Grace @billiegrace@v.st

Fun fact: I stayed at this hotel with my friend back in 2019. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/dec/16/huge-cylindrical-aquarium-housing-1500-exotic-fish-bursts-in-berlin

@benjedwards Cool. I’ll reach out to him at some point.

@benjedwards I lost touch with him some years ago after moving to NYC - how is he doing??

@benjedwards - we should catch up about that BBS article. -- Former sysop of Online's Place.

2021 was my first year in a poly lifestyle, or something poly-ish but definitely ENM. I'm making all the mistakes though, and in 2022 I'm effectively single now, unpartnered. This article has been enlightening about one of my most challenging failures, worth a read if you're also ENM: https://www.polyfor.us/articles/common-nre-mistakes

applied objectification -- the past few weeks have been more extreme in terms of being valued more for what I look like than what I do or feel. I've been thinking about kink as a way of dealing with embodiment and existing within social dynamics that are often both traumatic and rewarding. It imposes concreteness and reality over the abstractions of mind and identity.

... not because I think I have enough experience to satisfy them all, but because I understood them so poorly at the time that I didn't even know to try, to grow, or to see how far my innate sadism could go.

This lesson comes at an unbearable cost, and I tire of only learning hard lessons through experience. My advice to you, should you be following the sadist's path, is not only to act as is your innate nature, but to explore beyond it with curiosity and clear eyes. <end>

... my understanding some of this, as I am not so experienced in sadism (it comes naturally but not easily,) does not prepare me for how hungry the one I loved was for a deep, all encompassing sadomasochism.

All my learned and natural tendencies toward her were noble and good and abundant, but left her needs unmet, and in the end that contributed to a fracture between us that I regret... (continued)

...we are embodied in flesh and constrained by unnatural systems of being in societies, power dynamics, sentenced to gender and class roles, saddled with our own emotions and understandings that are often at odds with our lived experiences or circumstances. Masochism can be a response to those discontinuities and expectations. To be hurt is an experience, and to be lovingly denied agency by a partner, always, always with consent can be a gift of peace and excitment...(continued)

...but as I fall down this rabbit hole of sadomasochism, I find the faults and fractures within myself fuel a desire to expand to fill those spaces of sadism, and they hold an allure that I'm shocked to find and titillated by.

Those that know me, even casually, see an uplifting light, and this is real. What I'm coming to terms with is that wielding sadism with love, skill, and empathy is also an act of care and a gift for others...(continued)

...I probably should spend a lot more time on FetLife to see more of what masochists are looking for, as there are kinks far beyond the mainstream BDSM tropes of mere physical pain, bondage, and humiliation that seem to dominate the popular consciousness.

I wasn't prepared for deep psychological, almost criminal levels of depravity that some masochists seek. And unfortunately, this part of my sadistic experience wasn't sufficient to satisfy the folks I loved the most... (continued)

It's common to hear wise people claim that the older they get the less they know about the world.

While I've never felt I know all that much about BDSM and kink generally, I assumed I knew what sort of things most people might want out of kink and BDSM experiences, and thus I marketed myself as a kinky partner. I've been absolutely devastated by how little I know...(continued)

@campuscodi Is the ban on facial recognition for private use or only public agencies? I couldn't tell from the announcement you linked to earlier.

Vyvanse is magic.

#dating Feeld is overrun with couples presenting themselves in "single woman" profiles. They're overwhelming search results. Reporting the profiles doesn't scale at the rate the profiles come up.

Mastodon thankfully supports disabling boosts, muted words, and removing followers. I recommend using these to tailor the experience to your tastes and surface higher quality signals from the din.

Berlin is not my home, but it has had great significance in my life and in my heart. This liminal space, BER, has a melancholy now for me, because I am leaving it with a hole in my heart and an unsatisfiable longing for what was once there. I hope the next time I come through this place it is with joy and optimism. I did get what I came for in Berlin this time, but I want more than this.

I’m at Berlin’s Willy Brandt Airport waiting for Virginia, someone I’ve had a lot of history with who is now a friend. We’ve met here a few times. Once when we flew to New York together last December, her first trip there. Once when we flew to Tenerife together to escape Berlin’s cold winter. And once when she came with me as I was departing Berlin last June to see me off. Today we’re flying to different places: she to New York to see someone, and I to Amsterdam to see someone.